So, I'm going to try an experiment. It's easy to think about where I go wrong and tell select people your amazing insights into your failings as a human being. But when the going gets tough, it's too easy to hide the habits in your house where no-one can watch you fall. What I'm talking about is eating your emotions.
Did you know that emotional eating and/or binge eating is almost as prevalent in our society today as anorexia or bulimia. It's medically considered to be an eating disorder all to itself. And I have suffered from it for as long as I can remember.
With our wedding fast approaching, I feel the pressure more than ever and it's constantly being brought to my attention that surely I want to lose weight so I look beautiful on my wedding day. To my ears, all I hear is that if I don't lose the weight, I'm going to be the fattest, ugliest bride ever.
And so starts the merry-go-round.
Before christmas, we were doing really well following a primal lifestyle. I felt healthier and happier and even lost a couple of kilos.
After christmas, a crushing blow was delivered to our household, and, if I'm honest, I kind of fell apart - just a little. And, as I did all through my childhood, I have blamed myself and taken on the guilt. Which is always how my downfall begins. I start to eat my guilt and shame.
For the last 6 weeks or so, I have felt the pressure building on my shoulders that I haven't been the girlfriend/fiancee I should be. I haven't been the friend or daughter or sister I should be. I have started to feel like I have alienated the few friends that I have and am scared that my behaviour could drive my man away. I feel like the control that I previously had over my life has disappeared and it scares me more than words can say.
My fiance has been beyond amazing. He tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me no matter what I weigh. But a lifetime of never feeling good enough seems to be a barrier to me believing this. I constantly feel that I do not deserve the amazing man by my side and that he is too good for me unless I weigh substantially less. That unless I weigh a certain number and wear a certain size, one day my fiancee will eventually find someone who does fit that description and, goodbye, he's gone, because obviously the other woman deserved him more than me.
I want to get back to the me that existed just months ago, but am finding the execution of the desire almost impossible. The self-control I had seems to have vanished and I can't find it anywhere.
And while it probably seems like I'm spinning and am unable to run a coherent sentence, I decided to try something today - putting my problem into words and facing the fear of putting my issue out into the world and embracing my shortcomings.
So here goes - when I feel that I am losing or have lost control of my life or my current situation, I eat my feelings of shame and guilt. I would rather believe that I do not deserve any happiness or success in my life, rather that I only deserve a life of struggles and unhappiness. When I eat things that I shouldn't, I know I don't need to eat it, but I don't know how to stop raising my hand from the packet or the plate to my mouth. I go to the supermarket and I know that I don't feel like the bad stuff and even though my head is screaming that I don't want it or need it, I still pick it up and put it in my basket or trolley. And the cycle just goes around and around.
For probably the first time in my life, I am feeling brave enough to admit (to a certain degree) publicly that the pressure of being thin, being perfect and being in control is taking its toll and I'm struggling to work past it. I certainly don't want to pass these habits onto my children. I want to be able to provide my kids with an example of how to live a healthy life but actually being able to live that example is proving to be the ultimate challenge. I want to be a woman that my fiancee is proud to walk beside in the street and introduce to his friends. I want my fiancee to look at me and think that he is the luckiest man in the world.
I don't have a magic solution or answer (though I would love one) but I guess if we didn't go through the struggle, we wouldn't grow (emotionally, not physically) as people.
How do you find the motivation to just stop???
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