Unrealistic Expectations...

It occurred to me today that in just over two months it will be exactly one year since I decided to go primal.  While I've learned a lot about what healthy eating and living is, I've found it hard to put into practice.  What's been most surprising to me is how easy things were initially, and then, once I'd fallen off the wagon, how hard it was to get things back on track.

Thinking about it, I should probably be more surprised at how easy I found things initially, rather than how hard it was to pick up the pieces when it all fell apart.  Thinking about it, I've been trying to undo eating and living habits that have been formed over 30 years, and it's not something that I'll be able to undo overnight.  So, the challenge for me now is to try and get back to where I was early last year, when I was eating primally, and losing weight steadily.

I've tried to start with small steps, reaching some small, achievable goals, which will hopefully lead to achieving the harder goals.  Goal number one was to stop indulging in the fund-raiser chocolates at work.  At the end of today it will be one week since I last had any, a small goal, but one that was harder than I anticipated.

My next goal will be to try and curb the amount of junk food I have at our regular gaming sessions. This one is harder, because there's typically a bag of chips or lollies open on the table, sitting in front of me.  Tonight's challenge is to say no to the crap, and stick with small amounts of 70% cocoa chocolate when I do get the urge to indulge.

The next goal I have is to cut stop buying non-primal food at the super market.  I'm fully expecting this to be tough, because it's so easy to think "Damn, I can't be bothered cooking, let's grab some cheese kranskies and rolls, and have them to eat."  I have two rolls to eat today, which I intend to be the last wheat based rolls I eat.  If I can find a suitable primal alternative for bread, well and good, but I think the easiest solution is actually going to be just giving it up completely.

On a positive note, I've found an excellent alternative to pasta (one thing, along with bread, that Ive found hard to live without).  I've seen several references to using zucchini as a replacement for pasta.  I have to admit, I've been skeptical about it, but last night I finally decided to give it a try.

The hardest part about using zucchini as a pasta replacement is the preparation.  In order to be a successful replacement, the zucchini needs to be cut into thin strips.  Rather than mess around with a knife, I used a vegetable peeler, which did a great job of making some nice thin strips of zucchini.  In the end, the preparation wasn't so much difficult, as more time consuming than I expected.

The zucchini noodles don't need to be cooked long.  Boil them for a minute, then run them under cold water to stop them cooking.  After that, simply drain, and toss the sauce through the zucchini and server.  The heat of the sauce is enough to make the zucchini a good temperature for eating. 

I made a carbonara sauce to go with the zucchini last night, and I have to say, aside from being a bit runny (I'm a bit out of practice making carbonara sauce), it was fantastic.  I was a bit worried the zucchini would taste strange, but it wasn't the case at all.  This one is definitely a permanent addition to the recipe book.

Dealing with the "Tough Stuff"

Finding words to express your emotions in certain situations is hard. Admitting to your faults and putting your bad habits into words is harder.

So, I'm going to try an experiment. It's easy to think about where I go wrong and tell select people your amazing insights into your failings as a human being. But when the going gets tough, it's too easy to hide the habits in your house where no-one can watch you fall. What I'm talking about is eating your emotions.

Did you know that emotional eating and/or binge eating is almost as prevalent in our society today as anorexia or bulimia. It's medically considered to be an eating disorder all to itself. And I have suffered from it for as long as I can remember.

With our wedding fast approaching, I feel the pressure more than ever and it's constantly being brought to my attention that surely I want to lose weight so I look beautiful on my wedding day. To my ears, all I hear is that if I don't lose the weight, I'm going to be the fattest, ugliest bride ever.

And so starts the merry-go-round.

Before christmas, we were doing really well following a primal lifestyle. I felt healthier and happier and even lost a couple of kilos.

After christmas, a crushing blow was delivered to our household, and, if I'm honest, I kind of fell apart - just a little. And, as I did all through my childhood, I have blamed myself and taken on the guilt. Which is always how my downfall begins. I start to eat my guilt and shame.

For the last 6 weeks or so, I have felt the pressure building on my shoulders that I haven't been the girlfriend/fiancee I should be. I haven't been the friend or daughter or sister I should be. I have started to feel like I have alienated the few friends that I have and am scared that my behaviour could drive my man away. I feel like the control that I previously had over my life has disappeared and it scares me more than words can say.

My fiance has been beyond amazing. He tells me that I am beautiful and that he loves me no matter what I weigh. But a lifetime of never feeling good enough seems to be a barrier to me believing this. I constantly feel that I do not deserve the amazing man by my side and that he is too good for me unless I weigh substantially less. That unless I weigh a certain number and wear a certain size, one day my fiancee will eventually find someone who does fit that description and, goodbye, he's gone, because obviously the other woman deserved him more than me.

I want to get back to the me that existed just months ago, but am finding the execution of the desire almost impossible. The self-control I had seems to have vanished and I can't find it anywhere.

And while it probably seems like I'm spinning and am unable to run a coherent sentence, I decided to try something today - putting my problem into words and facing the fear of putting my issue out into the world and embracing my shortcomings.

So here goes - when I feel that I am losing or have lost control of my life or my current situation, I eat my feelings of shame and guilt. I would rather believe that I do not deserve any happiness or success in my life, rather that I only deserve a life of struggles and unhappiness. When I eat things that I shouldn't, I know I don't need to eat it, but I don't know how to stop raising my hand from the packet or the plate to my mouth. I go to the supermarket and I know that I don't feel like the bad stuff and even though my head is screaming that I don't want it or need it, I still pick it up and put it in my basket or trolley. And the cycle just goes around and around.

For probably the first time in my life, I am feeling brave enough to admit (to a certain degree) publicly that the pressure of being thin, being perfect and being in control is taking its toll and I'm struggling to work past it. I certainly don't want to pass these habits onto my children. I want to be able to provide my kids with an example of how to live a healthy life but actually being able to live that example is proving to be the ultimate challenge. I want to be a woman that my fiancee is proud to walk beside in the street and introduce to his friends. I want my fiancee to look at me and think that he is the luckiest man in the world.

I don't have a magic solution or answer (though I would love one) but I guess if we didn't go through the struggle, we wouldn't grow (emotionally, not physically) as people.

How do you find the motivation to just stop???